feelings on bio parents

In the beginning of this case it was so difficult to imagine two people losing their child because of Mental Health issues. I was so sad for J’s bio mom, as I saw how sad she was, and I could also see obvious evidence that she wouldn’t be able to care for a child.

But T (bio father) quickly became another story. J has obvious memories of his father’s neglect, whether they be subconscious or existing at another level, we’ll never really know. What we do know is that he has visible reactions to T, which are obvious when they are together, as well as after his visits with him.

I used to feel bad for T, and I suppose part of me still does. He can’t keep track of an ever changing child, whether it be the child’s age, how often he should be burped if drinking a bottle, or what he is now supposed to be eating. He has to be told numerous times where J is at developmentally, and even then he will often revert back in time. This is tragic. Some professionals would say that T isn’t making choices in these areas, that he is at a younger age mentally. I, as well as some Workers who have spent a plethora of time with him, have on occasion seen that he chooses to act like a know-it-all.

Like many other humans in this world, T seems to formulate ideas in his mind and he will not be swayed. He has been heard numerous times saying, “I have lots of books at home.” The Workers respond with, “Well then, read them.”

So, yes, at one time I did feel sorry for T, and lIke I said, part of me still does. But, there is an overwhelming feeling that there is someone else in this equation that didn’t ask for any of this, and right now that little boy is my focus. My focus for now does not lie with T and having oodles of compassion for him. Maybe it will come at the Termination hearing,  I am confident it will, as it did when we went to the Termination hearing for my daughter, Pumpkin’s, biological parents.

A Worker, whose goal is to work closely with the bio parents, recently told me that it was very sad. She was referring to the situation with both of J’s bio parents. I told her that while it is sad, there is an innocent life that needs to be protected and made the priority. She said that she was just speaking of the bio parents. I get where she’s coming from. Yet, I realize that they go so far to reunite bio parents with their children, and I am left to wonder, like many others, where the child’s well-being lies in the midst of reunification procedures. They are often left in the dust while everyone scrambles to help the bio parents.

So, while I am looking forward to the Termination, I also realize there is a more somber side. Two parents may lose custody of their child. It just wasn’t meant to be from the get go, but I am happy to have J in our home. We love him dearly.


Directly following Jeremiah’s visits with T (bio father), Jeremiah is falling down and hitting his head. He won’t use his protective abilities, he will just fall from standing and bang his head on the floor. We have wood flooring, so this is cause for some concern.

My biggest concern is that he only does this on the day of his visit and on the two days following it. I have been recording this behavior for several weeks, and have given the information to the Social Workers on the case.

They did show concern about his falling, but when a new Worker came onto the case, it became an elevated issue. This new Worker was very upset and said, “This is a safety concern.” He thought it so pertinent to the case that he has made it a priority to come out and witness these instances. Because I am telling the truth and want what is best for Jeremiah, I welcome him and his cohorts into our home.

They believe that this information will help when we get to the Termination hearing. It is proof that Jeremiah’s visits with his bio father set him back developmentally.

I am so thankful for this new Worker on the case. We have seen several new faces since bringing Jeremiah into our home, it’s ridiculous. But, this is one person I am happy to have on our team. One that seems concerned about the child’s well being first and foremost. Thank you Jesus!!!

Update: This Worker spoke with a psychologist about Jeremiah falling directly following visits with his bio father. The psychologist said that it sounded like it was part of “flight, fight, or freeze.” His opinion was that Jeremiah was being sent back to his time with his bio father, and therefore went into freeze mode, and did not protect himself when he was falling.

behind? don’t think so.

photo: J loves to look at books.

Jeremiah was behind developmentally. The DHS workers suggested that an assessment be done. Physical, Occupational, and Speech Therapists would all be present to determine whether he would need in-home therapy. I filled out the questionnaire three weeks prior to the date of the assessment, and things were looking a little grim. We knew he wasn’t where he should be.

Jeremiah didn’t see his bio dad for those following three weeks after I filled out the information sheet for the Therapists. He began to thrive in every area. As you may remember, he was so content and happy. A completely different little boy than the one who had come into our home in the middle of December.

The day of the assessment came and Jeremiah just about blew their socks off. They couldn’t believe the kid they were looking at, verses the one I wrote about. He was exactly where he should be, and in some areas he’s ahead. Praise God.

When we realize why he did so well, it makes us cry. We are happy, but at the same time we wish he could be free to develop at a normal rate at all times. Workers have said that children who are under a tremendous amount of stress are unable to develop as they should. Jeremiah does not like visiting his bio dad or mom. It was evident that after not seeing them for three weeks, his development sky rocketed.

All this to say, if Jeremiah doesn’t develop like a “normal” child, we still accept him and love him. We are sure we will adopt him one day, and whatever the future holds for this little guy, we are more than pleased to be his mommy and daddy.