Adaptation. It can take a long time for humans and animals to adapt to a new situation or new lifestyle. However, many adopted and foster children who come from traumatic backgrounds adapt very quickly to new surroundings. This is also true for some children who are adopted when they’re infants.
Even after healing took place with our daughter, we noticed when she was under different influences, she acted disparately. If Payton was with a teacher who allowed her to speak out when she wanted and didn’t have boundaries, we noticed her negative behaviors increase at home. If she spent more time than usual with grandparents who gave her beyond what she gets in her normal, every day life, or ones that don’t have the ability to say “No,” we noticed unfavorable behaviors arise at home.
It seemed that no matter what rules or life we led at home, if she spent enough time with people who didn’t have these same expectations, we were in a battle. A BIG battle.
I’ve talked about this before, there are behaviors and personality traits that will stick with our children even after healing takes place, you can read more about this in What’s Next? A Look at Life After Bonding Takes Place.
Even after an adopted or foster child has bonded, they will still have residual effects from being neglected and abused.
Neglect and abuse transforms a child’s brain, trauma rewires their brain to protect them. They may dissociate, they may fight. We can help them rewire their brain, through love, consistency, rocking and rhythmic movement, and all the other ways I’ve talked about here on Lovin’ Adoptin’, but there will still be something left of that life, that life that formed who they are.
Many of their behaviors and personality traits can be guided toward positive avenues, I encourage you to check out what these are and how to help your child channel these for good. However, some of these behaviors and traits can be difficult to deal with, even if they can serve the positively in the future.
One of the behaviors that’s hard to deal with is our children’s ability to adapt and how it changes how they act so quickly, because they’re adapting quickly. When our children are the center of attention, it’s a great thing, but when we come back to reality, and life happens, a parent is sick, a sibling needs attention, there are appointments and commitments, and life, it can be really difficult because our child is stuck in being the center of attention and they think it should continue. Why not?
If a child can manipulate situations, and persuade adults to do their bidding (because many of our kids are intelligent, and this is a good quality when used in the right way), we then see it happening at home.
This behavior doesn’t just stop because we tell them to or because we hand out a consequence. It takes a while for them to adapt back to the expectations we have at home, like, “I said no, and I mean no.” Ugh.
So begin by looking at where your child spends the most time. Is it school? Daycare? If you know you have expectations at home, and you don’t allow your child to talk back, be sassy, or be rude to others, yet they still are (although some of this will take place no matter what because they are kids and they’re strong-willed) take a look at what’s happening in these other venues. Spend time there, see what’s happening for yourself. (You will also be able to tell if there are lower expectations because of how your child acts when they come home from these places.) If you see that your child is allowed to act unacceptable, have a kind face-to-face talk with your child’s teacher or daycare provider. Lay out how you do things at home, and try to encourage them to implement similar expectations so everything is cohesive for your child.
This is not a problem, but it’s going to be a work in progress to find ways a teacher or daycare provider can give your child that attention they’re seeking – if they don’t receive it, they’ll look for it in unacceptable ways; negative attention is still attention.
There is no cut and dry solution here. Your child is depending on you and your spouse to continue having the same expectations at home, and you communicating with those your child spends time with. I feel strongly and have seen that when everyone works together with the same goals, our children do so much better.
I also believe that having an understanding of why our child behaves this way helps us handle it better.
Last year, my parents took our daughter, Payton, for a long weekend. It was the first time they’d done this, and it was the longest she’d been away from us. Like many grandparents, they spoiled her, a ton. It’s all good, I’m extremely thankful they did this, and we did it again this summer. However, following that first weekend she spent with them, I talked to my parents about Payton’s behavior afterwards, it was horrible. The whole universe spiraled around her and her only, she wanted it all her way, and couldn’t handle being told to do anything. Our home was a raging river for a couple weeks after.
Although I’d told them before they took her to have expectations for her, I’m not sure it happened. Okay, it didn’t really, but heck they’re grandparents, and it’s all about FUN! Thankfully though, they recognized what ensued after their time with her last summer and had more expectations this summer when she spent a week with them. It was better when she returned home this time, but there were still residual effects, she was the center of attention and she was able to do almost anything she wanted. She had a blast and I’m so glad, but now I have to be even stronger in sticking to what I say.
Do you see this happening with your child? I know this is so hard, our children have to go to school and we can’t always switch classrooms because a teacher doesn’t work out. We have to send our children to daycare if we work or need some down-time, and sometimes we need babysitters to step in. Sadly we can’t control every situation, unless we homeschool and never send our child out of the home, and for some of us that isn’t realistic. But what we can do is communicate what our child needs. We can stick to our expectations. You CAN do this!
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For us their behavior spirals after spending time with their biological siblings. I’d like to spend more time with them, but I can’t take the behavior for a week or more afterward.
That’s really tough, and this happens with some families. It’s great that you’ve tried to keep that connection.