avoid holiday hassles

avoidholidayhassles

We all know the holiday hoopla is fast approaching. Some of us look forward to it, but for many it brings a mixture of depression and anxiety, filling us until it’s all over and we can say it’s two-thousand-fourteen.

No matter where we find ourselves, many of us will be visiting family or friends during the holidays, and some of us will be playing host. This can create added stress onto school activities, social gatherings, special events, the present parade, cooking, and shopping. So what can you do to make that visit with Granny Beatrice go better? Communicate.

What do your children need? How do your children act? What will you need to do that’s different than other families? What do you need your family to do for you?

Explanations go a long way to help our family and friends understand what your child will be doing while spending time together, it will help them understand the special treatment or things your child needs. When we got together with family for Christmas one year, our son, Jeremiah, was fascinated with the string of lights and ornaments on the tree. Our extended family all looked like wide-eyed monkeys on adrenaline when Jeremiah stood close to the tree and touched the bright, beaming lights or the sparkling ornaments. He has Autism. I explained what was going on, it calmed them down a little, and I think understanding why he wasn’t leaving the tall, sensory overloading Christmas tree alone helped. It was a starting point.

There have been situations we’ve needed to head off before we arrive at someone’s house. When Jeremiah is outside his environment and we can’t go outdoors, it’s best to play movies he likes. This is a little bothersome around the holidays because of football games, but they were able to deal with some missed field goals while Lightning McQueen racing across Route 66.

That year I sent an email to all who would be there explaining that Jeremiah would be watching movies, we also added that he doesn’t do this at home (because we wanted to avoid any judgement up front). You can gauge your family and determine what needs to be said and what doesn’t. I don’t condone extended t.v. time for Autistic kids, but if we ALL want to enjoy the holiday, our child needs to be content, and if movies do the trick, okay by me.

In the past, my daughter has struggled with attachment issues and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. We’d had experience visiting extended family members, and a a few things came up that we wanted to avoid before we arrived. Those were that Payton couldn’t handle being told something and then having it changed, she also tended to sabotage anything fun. We kindly explained this to our family.

We asked they not tell Payton about any activities we were going to do. For example, please don’t say you’re going to decorate a gingerbread house before you realize there won’t be time to do so. Don’t say you’ll go sledding before you find out that the child didn’t bring any snow clothes. This can be true for any child, but the outcome can be much worse for a child who has attachment issues.

We also avoided telling Payton of anything we planned to do. Number one, because anything can get cancelled for numerous reasons, and two, she would sabotage anything. To her it was a test to see if we would still do that “special” thing with her (equaled love in her mind) even if she misbehaved.

Our family is learning, but Payton has also healed significantly. This year Justin and I were talking about what we would do when we went to see some family. We were trying to be secretive, and of course Payton wanted to know what we were saying. I thought she could handle it at this stage, so I told her we were probably going to go to the Aquarium. She was really excited, she’d been wanting to go back for a couple years. Then I got a text from my dad, they were thinking of going to the zoo since it was a such beautiful weather. I cringed, I had already told Payton what we were doing, would she be able to handle the change of plans? I broke the news to her, I used some paradoxical parenting, something I rarely do anymore. I said, “You’re going to get really mad when I tell you this. It’s okay, you can yell and stomp your feet.” She smiled and said she wouldn’t. I told her the new plan and she proved that she has come a long way, she said, “Okay.”

This year we will be having another friendly conversation with family about their expectations of Payton’s obedience. Although Payton is doing awesome, she’s still a child, and she’s stinkin’ smart. She knows when she can get away with ignoring someone’s request. When we aren’t around, and even when we’re near, family doesn’t expect her to be polite or follow their requests (many times they aren’t formulated as requests, but as, “I think your mom wants you to wash your hands.” It needs to be, “Wash your hands please.”) I know, it puts pressure on Grandma and Grandpa or Aunts and Uncles to lay down the law, but if they don’t let her know they expect good behavior, she’ll push it. She also has a certain little thing called a strong will.

Other families deal with this same scenario. A family I know went to visit Grandma, and while Grandma was preparing a pickle tray, their son, Caleb grabbed a pickle and said, “My pickle.” When your child has attachment issues and other diagnoses added on top, this behavior isn’t shocking at all, but this wasn’t something Caleb would have done at home. He was making attachments and his behavior was improving, but when expectations were lowered, he still struggled some.

Being around others who don’t have the same expectations we do can sometimes cause our children to backslide. It’s a training process both for our children and for those who are frequently involved in our life. They need to know what we expect and be willing to back us up.

These conversations we’ve had with family have dangled between congenial and heated. The outcome will depend on how you approach them, the tone, and words you use, so contemplate those three factors. It will also depend on your family and friends. Are they judgmental or accepting? Do they have experience with special needs?

Let’s review some questions to ask yourself when considering what to share:

  • Does your child do things that are different than others?
  • Does your child have needs that are special?
  • What will you need when you visit family or friends for the holidays, or act as host?
  • Do you need family/friends to avoid saying certain things?

I hope this helps you to have a better holiday with your family and friends! For those of you in the USA, have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

the lies our children believe (adoption/foster)

liesbelieved

It’s difficult to see through the anger, the hate, the attitudes. If our children have created coping mechanisms, it can be almost impossible to see through the smiles, the laughing, and the efforts they make to see us happy. What can’t we see through all of this? The lies our children believe; lies about themselves, the world, and others.

The experiences our children had before they came to us taught them that they are unloveable, unworthy, that they can’t do anything right. They learned that the world is a scary place, that they’d have to protect themselves because no one else would. They learned that adults aren’t trustworthy.

This makes it difficult when they come into our home because these lies that are circulating in their head don’t go away. There are no magic words to fix what they believe. (You can see here what I wrote about how we consistently tell our children truths: you’re beautiful, you’re smart, I love you, but it’s our actions that will make the most difference in the end.) Eventually our kids will see that we care about them and we’re dedicated to them, but it’s not a quick and easy fix. Why? Because these core beliefs have become a foundation for them.

I was talking with a friend yesterday who has cared for some hurting teens. She said that every time she told one of the girls, “I love you,” the girl would become very angry. The girl became angry because she hadn’t been loved by anyone. Sometimes parents think that if they just show the child love (as in affection and caring for them) the child will accept what the parent gives, and that doesn’t happen with many hurting kids.

The birth mother who was supposed to love this girl didn’t, or had no idea how to show it, and this young woman believed she was unloveable because of it. Because my friend was the next mother figure to enter this girls life, she was blamed. This girl probably thought, “How could anybody love me?! I’m unloveable! I don’t even like myself!” (You can read more about how and why hurting children blame their foster/adoptive mom HERE.)

Even those of us who haven’t experienced neglect, abuse, and trauma have lies we believe about ourselves, the world, and others. Can you imagine (or maybe you’ve experienced it yourself) if your foundational views of love and acceptance were rocked and broken at the core? How long would it take for someones love to change how you feel about yourself? Would it be easy to transform those thoughts?

There is absolutely hope for our children to accept our love, there is hope that they will feel better about themselves, but it’s important that we see how they view life. They don’t enter our home and put on a new pair of glasses and see the world through our eyes, it will take time and consistency on our part. Show your children you accept them no matter what they do, no matter what they say. Don’t avoid them and instill what they already believe about themselves, that they are unworthy. See their pain and work through it with them. (This doesn’t mean we don’t have consequences for behaviors, but it does mean that we have empathy for them.)

What lies do your children believe about themselves? How can you help them see the truth of who they are?

we are our child’s best therapist

“After a hard days work, you don’t want to come home and be the therapist.” This statement was made by the father of an Autistic boy after a new therapy office specific to helping children with Autism opened up in our semi-small town.  This dad wanted the work to be done by therapists, but he was missing the bigger picture. We, the parents, are our child’s best therapist.

wearetherapists

Whether your child has Autism, attachment issues, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, PTSD, or any other disorder, we are the ones who know our child best and the ones who spend more time with them than a therapist does (or at least in my opinion, we should be). This means we have more opportunities than a therapist would.

If you have chosen therapy for your child, being present for any sessions will help you transfer what happens in that one hour at the therapist office to your home life. Pay close attention to what the therapist does and how she talks to your child. Talk to the therapist and ask questions, see what they notice in your child or in what your child does, and ask yourself if you see it the same way.

(If your child has attachment issues, not Autism, hang on, because I’ll get to that in a minute.) My son, Jeremiah, has Autism, so he has therapists who work with him at school. Although I don’t see those therapists (occupational, speech, developmental, etc.) every week, I make sure to keep communicating with them through emails, through the teachers, and occasional face to face conversations. This helps me know what they’re doing at school, so I can be working on the same strategies at home.

Jeremiah has outside therapies as well, he has speech, which we take him to, and a developmental therapist comes to our home. Either my husband or I are present for both of these sessions, and it has enabled us to incorporate consistency throughout the week. We’re able to take what they do in one hour, and multiply it exponentially in Jeremiah’s daily life. (That is if he cooperates, but I don’t stop trying – I might just be as persistent as my kids, they’re fabulous teachers.)

My daughter, Payton, has struggled with attachment issues, but she doesn’t attend therapy. We tried it for a couple sessions with a well known attachment therapist and it didn’t go well. Actually, that’s an enormous understatement, it went horribly wrong. I’m not recommending you avoid therapy for your child’s attachment issues, PTSD, ODD, mood disorder, or whatever they may struggle with, but the same holds true to what I said earlier. You are your child’s best therapist.

Taking a child to therapy once or twice a week and then hoping that’s enough won’t work. Our children need us constantly. How do you do that? You may think that would be overwhelming and that you don’t have time to maintain regular life and do therapy with your child. I understand! So what did we do? We have worked therapy into our lives so it became part of what we do every day, and now we hardly notice we’re doing it.

What does it look like? Well, I wouldn’t be able to write out everything we do, because it would take too long. Some of the therapy we do with our kids is so embedded in our lives that it’s difficult to weed out what we do that’s different from other families, because it’s normal for us, but I can try to list some.

Autism related in-home therapy:

  • Consistency in routine.
  • Using short sentences when telling Jeremiah to do something. Instead of saying, “Get off the table,” we say, “Get down.” While at the same time removing him from the table. We did this with EVERYTHING until he knew what we meant (meaning he followed our direction without us physically moving him), we then added more words to the sentence.
  • Using PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System). Using one word when eating, having snack, going somewhere until he understood what that word meant, then added more to make short sentences.
  • Using hand over hand for teaching how to do things.
  • Using floortime to help Jeremiah learn how to interact.

In-home therapy related to issues stemming from neglect, abuse, and trauma:

  • Consistency in routine.
  • Consistency in what we say and what we do.
  • Consistency with guidelines across all settings.
  • One on one, face to face time interacting.
  • Talking through situations and discussing (in short) what a better choice would have been, if there was a wrong one made.
  • Talk about feelings, naming feelings, and teaching how to handle them.

As I said, I haven’t even listed a small percentage of what we do at home, but this gives you an idea of what I mean by “therapy in-home.” These strategies do come easier as we develop ways to meld them into our lives. For us, most of it doesn’t seem like therapy, it’s our way of life. We don’t have the pressure that many parents feel of thinking we need to take our child to another therapist or another session. Yes, those can be beneficial in some instances, especially with Autism, but implementing what the therapists do in our home has helped our children make significant improvements because it’s consistent throughout all of their environments, and we spend more time with our children than any therapist can.

Some other helpful articles:
why consequences & rewards don’t work

be big picture positive

PUMPKINPATCHcollage

We went to the pumpkin patch on Saturday, and we all had a good time! It’s not too often that family fun outings go really well. Last year we attempted the pumpkin patch and were disappointed when our trampoline LOVING son decided he hated the big orange bouncy thingy. Right, that was a shocker. To back up our original dismay, Jeremiah also decided that he didn’t want anything to do with the gigantic slide, which was odd because he also loves slides.

Last year Payton wasn’t doing as well, and as with most kids with her issues, we left with her screaming and crying, while I struggled to drag her (well I felt like it  anyway) to the car. She wanted more. We had dropped an astronomical amount of cash, you wouldn’t even believe how much if I told you. She had jumped on the big bouncy thingy, gone down the slide numerous times, traversed the maze, picked out a pumpkin, and pet some animals. There was more to do if we wanted to fork over even more green, and Payton wasn’t happy that she didn’t get to do everything.

This year we wondered what would take place. Would Jeremiah jump, get on the slide, or whine and cry the whole time while we tried to spend time together as a family outside the house? Would Payton leave crying and screaming that she never got to do anything, refusing to walk through the parking lot?

None of that happened!!! I was so glad we braved the unknown, and frankly kind of scary, because we had a positive pumpkin patch experience this time around. Hurray! The prices weren’t as insane as they were the year before, Jeremiah JUMPED on the orange bouncy thingy, he really liked the slide, and he doodled on his ever present magna-doodle while we searched for the perfect pumpkins. Payton did quite a bit, but not everything, and she was good with it. We all left with smiles on our faces, and without sweat and tears dripping down our cheeks.

All this to say, we must focus on the positive moments in our lives. Whether regular life gets in the way; relatives, broken washers, friends, and crazy schedules, or the extras, like Autism, and attachment issues. There are so many things that can get us down, depressed, and feeling irritated, focusing on good times and progress will help us get through it all.

Happy pumpkin picking everyone!

putting the HOPE in HOPEless (adoption/foster)

You may wonder why I write this blog, why you should listen to yet another person who thinks they have an answer to helping hurting, traumatized kids. Why am I here? Because of what my daughter has come through, the great progress she has made.

I try not to flag my faith here. My faith in Jesus plays a pivotal role in my life, and sometimes it’s difficult to avoid talking about it. I don’t wave it in front of my readers because I want to welcome EVERY adopter, every foster parent, every parent of an Autistic child. I don’t want someone to read that I am a Christ follower and feel they will be judged or that what I say doesn’t apply to them, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. I welcome everyone here.

Why did I just go on a rabbit trail about my faith? Because I cannot attribute my daughters healing to anything other than God giving us wisdom in how to help her. I can’t credit the progress my son has made to anyone but God. Did He send down divine miracles that culminated in instant healing? Well, we’ve witnessed several miracles in our journey from fostering to adopting and beyond, but no, when it came to their psychological and physical selves, it was a process. A process that took our hard work and dedication. Sometimes God sent the answers quickly, and other times we were banging our heads, falling on our knees, asking Him to show us what to do. And He did! That’s the awesome part, the journey to healing.

I’ve mentioned my daughters diagnoses before, but for the purpose of helping you see where we’ve been, here they are: Reactive Attachment Disorder (please see my opinion of that HERE), PTSD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Failure to Thrive (emotionally), and mood disorder.

We’ve had monumental success with our daughter, Payton, despite this LONG list of diagnoses. We have a really amazing daughter! We always have, but many times it was difficult to see her positive qualities amongst the screaming, raging, defiant, controlling behaviors. We had glimpses of how wonderful, sweet, thoughtful, and smart she was, but in the beginning they were viewed through a window thick with grime, and as we moved forward the grime fell off (well, we actually scrubbed it off with massive amounts of elbow grease). We now have several weeks at a time when we experience life with a sweet, cheerful girl.

Payton is thoughtful of others, she goes out of her way to share food (which is a big deal for a child who’s had food issues) and toys with others. She’s a mini therapist with her younger brother, Jeremiah, who has Autism. She pushes him on the swing, she gives him what he needs, she notices the little things he says and does that are new and exciting (a word or a movement). She does all of this of her own volition. She has empathy for others when they are sick or hurt, or just feeling down. She’s very intelligent and enjoys learning new concepts, in fact her favorite free-time activity is teaching and reading to her animals. She’s a really special girl, and I love spending time with her.

There was a stretch when I looked forward to the times when she went to her Grandma’s daycare for an afternoon, but now those times are extremely rare, I want her around. She plays well on her own, we have interesting conversations, and I like doing things with her. We have truly seen a turn around in her behavior, attitude, and her psychological makeup.

I’m not sharing this to brag, I’m telling you so you can have HOPE. Your child CAN overcome. You won’t be battling this forever. Does this mean it’s easy to get where we are? No, it takes hard work and dedication. However I’m here writing this blog to help you do exactly what we did. My hope is to help you help your child.

Recently, one of my readers was discouraged by my post on detecting attachment issues, she thought her son was getting better and attaching, but when she read the list, she wasn’t so sure.

My response to her was that our kids can heal from much of what they suffer from, but there are some behaviors, attitudes, and emotions they may carry with them the rest of their lives. Although their brain can heal, they will have certain personality traits that stick around because their early life was so formative.

For example, my daughter will probably always be hypervigilant. Her early life taught her to watch out for herself and take care of herself because no one else would. She will always be aware of her surroundings and others, but now the worry is gone from her demeanor. Payton has leadership qualities (notice I say, “leadership,” not “controlling behavior”). She has a need to be in control of other kids. This works well with her brother who has Autism, because she mothers him and is helpful, but it can create problems with friends. I think as she gets older, this will become less of a problem as she learns how society functions, and we’ve already seen some great improvement in this area. We need to focus on funneling her desire to be in charge in positive directions. These are a couple of the traits that may stay with our kids. If they’re truly healing, you will see most of the others fade drastically, or completely disappear.

Besides those formative months and years, we also have to consider their biological beginning. That beginning can influence them inutero or through their biological parents genetic makeup.

There is great HOPE for our children. If we put effort in, there is a gorgeous rainbow at the end of our long road. It’s not a fix that will happen over night, but it can happen. God did not make us so we can’t change. God didn’t bring our children out of hardship so they could be miserable for the rest of their lives. He gives us HOPE. We have fallen, and if we are worth being picked up, then so are our children.

detecting attachment issues (adoption/foster)

I have listed the behaviors children with attachment issues display in a post titled, signs of neglect, trauma, and attachment issues, but felt there needed to be a more extensive list and one that was more accessible. After all, that is why I’m here, because of attachment issues and to help children heal from their past, so here we are. (Be sure to check out the above link if you haven’t yet, as it gives real life examples of what a child with attachment issues deals with and the responses they present.)

Before continuing, it’s essential that you understand there is tremendous hope for you and your child. This list may seem daunting, but many children, including my daughter, have been able to check off every behavior on this list as their own. But with their parents help, they have been able to overcome it all with love, consistency, and special parenting. I am here to help and support families in this situation. You can do this, and your children can THRIVE.

“Adults responses to children before and after traumatic events can make an enormous difference in these eventual outcomes – both for good and for ill.” ~ Bruce Perry The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog

So, here’s a list of signs that your child may be hurting. (This is not an exhaustive list. (If your child exhibits the behaviors here, it’s not a diagnosis.)

  • Sleep Issues – difficulty going to sleep, waking during the night.
  • Anger
  • Controlling of their environment and others.
  • Hyper-vigilant – overly aware of their surroundings. They are so aware of the people and environment that they miss what’s being taught in class or said at home.
  • Lack of creativity and imagination.
  • Unresponsive to affection
  • Excessively jealous when others receive attention.
  • Sabotage events, even birthdays and fun outings.
  • Inability to focus
  • No reaction to physical pain – during attachment healing, can have an oversensitivity to pain.
  • Food issues – not noticing when they are full, eating anything in sight, also not eating.
  • Emotional deregulation
  • Manipulative
  • Bad behavior
  • Make careless choices
  • Consequences, discipline and rewards don’t work.
  • React oddly to situations that seem normal to us (this can be due to connecting an event, person, or object to the time of their trauma).
  • Obsessive about family schedule and worried about where primary caregivers are going to be at all times.
  • Go into fight, flight, freeze mode.
  • Dissociates
  • Defiant
  • Hyperactive
  • Blames others (often mom gets the brunt)
  • Depression
  • High anxiety (acid reflux can ensue)
  • Lying
  • Phobias
  • Seek independence, but are incapable of handling it in the correct way.
  • Toilet training issues
  • Familiarity with everyone they meet, overly friendly even with strangers.
  • Live in a “me” centered world

The Attachment and Trauma Network gives more behaviors which are associated with attachment issues:

  • Unable to participate in reciprocal relationships.
      • Infant does not respond to parent.
      • Infant looks away or pushes away when held.
      • [Toddler and older children] seem unaware or uncaring about others feelings (especially those of family members/caregivers).
  • Superficially charming, especially to those he doesn’t know well.
  • Lack of eye contact
  • Obsessive behaviors
  • Demanding
  • Lack of cause and effect thinking
  • Destructive, dangerous behaviors (This is more on the end of the spectrum that I talk about here.)
  • Lack of remorse

Please understand that your child may have attachment issues, but not display every behavior on this list. Also, note that their behaviors can change as they move along the Attachment Spectrum toward healing, sometimes seeming worse before they get better.

I am providing this list to help you recognize the pain your child is experiencing, because they are exhibiting these behaviors because of the hurt they feel internally.

“Ultimately what determines how children survive trauma, physically, emotionally, or psychologically, is whether the people around them – particularly the adults they should be able to trust and rely upon – stand by them with love support, and encouragement.” ~ Bruce Perry The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog
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Following this posting I received a comment from a woman regarding my list. I have written a follow-up post called, What’s Next? A Look at Life After Bonding Takes Place, that will help you understand what happens when our children still have some behaviors they hold onto after they’ve bonded.

Please be sure to visit the links within this post and the ones listed here, you can also find several posts under the Contents page:

when your adopted child doesn’t fit seamlessly into your life, what will you do? (adoption/foster)

To this day Dimitri’s bones ache when the winter cold settles in. As that chill cloaks him, memories of a frozen Uzbekistan scene play through his mind like a horror film. His father laying on the concrete floor of an abandoned building, drunk, and nearly dead. He’d wrapped a thread bare blanket around his sister, but her little feet protruded from underneath. His other sister sat watching those who must brave the harsh winds pass on the street, fur Ushanka hats, coats, and boots layered their bodies, warding off the sting of ice. Then it had come time for him to scrounge up something for dinner, but the chances were slim, they hadn’t eaten in two days.

Stories like this one are plentiful in the adoption community, whether a child came from Russia, Africa, or America, they all have their stories. They may not be exactly the same, but they all contain great heartache.

What is a child to do with that pain? Do they know how to be a well-behaved daughter or a perfect sibling? Will they fit seamlessly into their adoptive family within one year of meeting them? What about a child who hasn’t attached within two years? I don’t believe children are given enough opportunity to get past the anguish they have been through, and brought with them.

As I have said many times, our hurting children have developed a new way of living because of their previous environment. You may see different stages of behavior and say, “He wasn’t like this before.” When our children come to us, they may be quiet and reserved, as time passes they may try to be controlling because they have a need to dominate situations or they feel everything will fall apart if they don’t. (Their previous life did, so why wouldn’t this one?) Then you may see outbursts of anger and a complete breakdown of behavior – this can be a sign that they’re beginning to get comfortable and they are SCARED. Our hurting children want to replicate the chaos in their brain because it makes them comfortable if their outside environment duplicates what’s inside. So we can see that our hurting children exhibit behaviors for a reason.

In the past week I’ve mentioned the Reuters investigation The Child Exchange a few times. Why? Because it’s shocking. But shocking as it is, I feel the thoughts the adoptive parents have expressed there are more common than we want to think.

I believe part of the problem stems from our society. We are living in a “me” world. (Don’t worry, I live in the same “me” centered universe too.) Soon after we adopted our daughter, my mom said to me, “When you and your brother were little, I didn’t have date nights or weekend getaways.” True, they didn’t. But truer still is the fact that mothers can do a better job raising their kids if they can have some time away (especially if you have hurting adopted children – but always be careful how much you leave your kids and /who/ you leave them with).

This mindset, the one that says we need date nights or a break, can be taken too far. I say, everything in moderation. We can begin feeling that life is about us, and if you have a child who’s difficult, it can turn into ideas such as, “This is not what I signed up for,” or, “This child is taking too much of my time.”  Parents can even place the needs of their biological children above their adopted ones.

In The Child Exchange, Gary Barnes said he gave his adopted daughter, Anna, to another family because he lacked the finances to provide therapy, and that therapy would have been inconvenient. First, I wonder why therapeutic parenting couldn’t have been done in the home. (That’s why I do what I do – I want to help parents care for their children in the home. Yes, sometimes outside therapy is needed, but a majority of an adoptive parents success is accomplished in-home.)

My second problem with his statement was the inconvenient part. Really?? (By the way, this couple did not have other children.) It was too inconvenient for them to provide therapy for their hurting daughter? I am simply flabbergasted.

Third, they didn’t have the finances? I wonder if they’d had a biological child who went missing, what they would have done to get that child back safe in their arms. What assets, time, and effort would they have put into finding that child? It should be the same for an adopted child, because they are essentially lost without our help. They need us to move heaven and earth for them, they must be treated as our children because that’s what they are. If we don’t treat them as such, I can guarantee they know it, and their actions will speak volumes against us. This is a LIFE, and I can’t stress how important it is to put our child’s needs first.

Other adoptive families give reasons why they can no longer care for their child; he puts spaghetti in his pockets (well, he has food issues, and was probably starving before he came to you), she hides in the closet and won’t come out (really, is that the worst she throws at you?), she sneaks out her window (kids who are just being kids do that too). What I’m saying is, look at your child’s behaviors and decide that you can handle them, because that’s how you’ll make it through. If we begin to believe that we can’t handle our child’s behavior, that they’re too wild, too whatever, we slide down the slope of self-preservation too quickly. You can make it through this. There are hundreds of thousands of teens who are doing well and have bonded with their adoptive families. It takes a parent who is dedicated to doing everything they can to help their child, and a commitment that communicates, “I am never going anywhere and neither are you.”

When my husband was in ministry many moons ago, we went to a counselor, Louis McBurney (he has since passed), and his greatest question for us was, “And then what?” If you think something is so horrible, ask yourself that question. If your child hordes food in his room (there are solutions for this behavior that help), and you are angry and at your end, ask yourself, “And then what?” This means, what will be the outcome if your son stashes food in his room? The answer: The room will begin to smell. And then what? Answer: We might get mice! And then what? Answer: Well, I guess I could have him clean it. Yep. And that behavior of his will continue until you get to the bottom of his fear regarding food. (And the answer is NOT locking the fridge and cupboards.)

The point here is that often it’s not as bad as we perceive it to be. We are tired, we are worn down and worn out. But when we think clearly (and follow advice from this blog – insert smiley face), we can see that our problems can be overcome.

Believe me, I am not immune to problems. Besides having a child with multiple diagnoses stemming from her early neglect, I have a son with Autism. Autism can be extremely difficult, and one aspect that makes it such is my son is constantly changing. There is always an obstacle to overcome.

We are constantly having to problem solve; how do we potty train a child who doesn’t talk or use sign language, or understand the words, “Come and tell me when you have to go potty.” What do we do when he’s suddenly frightened by his room, but we can’t communicate through words that it’s safe, how do we take care of his sensory needs when we can’t go outside and swing?

If you have a hurting child, problem solving is part of your daily life, and the issues our children present can be solved. I know this post isn’t encouraging, but I desperately want to see families staying together because I care immensely about adopted children. They have been through hell and deserve to have a wonderful life. I also care about you, the parent, and I know that if you don’t follow through with your commitment to your child, you will ridicule yourself and the guilt will pester you. You won’t feel better if you don’t do all you can. And you CAN do it!